抬頭仰望神

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The work grew upon me insensibly. I could not enjoy my ease and leisure in the neglect of an opportunity offered me by Providence of attempting the relief of the miserable. ~John Howard 1777
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禱告

<span style="font-size:16px;">上帝曾經存留了七千人,未曾向巴力屈膝。<br />
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上帝今天在世上存留了許多心裡誠實的人,簡單敬拜神愛慕神,堅定順服神跟隨神。當這些人相見的時候,在靈裡,這些人彼此就認識了。<br />
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上帝的愛及榮美透過一人彰顯,連那不信的,也要被吸引,也要被震懾。<br />
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上帝的身體,祂的教會,好豐富好豐富。<br />
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Father, help me to commit to what you have for me.<br />
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「凡你手所當做的事,要盡力去做,因為在你所必去的陰間,沒有工作,沒有謀算,沒有知識,也沒有智慧。我又轉念,見日光之下:快跑的未必能贏,力戰的未必得勝;智慧的未必得糧食,明哲的未必得資財,靈巧的未必得喜悅;所臨到眾人的,是在乎當時的機會。」 傳道書9:10-11<br />
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現在沒有比蹲在博班,我可以更belong。<br />
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順服,是看不見前方路途的時候,依舊信靠。<br />
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未知,暫時的徬徨,是選擇信靠的必然經歷。<br />
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Father, i continue to trust in you. 願這一切,祢的旨意得以成全。</span>
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轟炸

<span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">這學期完全只能用「轟」及「炸」兩字來形容。教授作業量爆多,「轟」</span>&hellip;<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">「炸」</span>&hellip;<br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">現在是第六週,學期剛過一半。以為日子會比較好過一點?想太多</span>&hellip;<br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">下週三有四樣作業</span>due&hellip; &nbsp;<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">對博士生,這種頻繁的作業量是不尋常的,但這教授也是出了名的超高標所以。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">現在真的是週一工作到週六,早到晚,很難歇下來。有時候甚至覺得寫個</span>email<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">都嫌沒時間,講個電話也一直在看時間,常常只能把雜事堆到週日完成。而且現在已經變成「加班」狀態。所謂的加班,就是指,吃飯休息的時間變少,睡覺的時間減少。不過感謝神,也是因為睡眠品質提高,睡覺的時間才有可能減少。也感謝神,週天還可以好好喘一口氣。但如果作業搞不定,可能之後也需要用週天時間加班了</span>&hellip;<br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">平常期末報告在這時點就已經開始在讀</span>reading<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">,但這學期因為週間工作量太大,現在連讀</span>reading<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">的時間都還排不上。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">還有整整五週要跑。學期末前不可能比較輕鬆的</span>&hellip; <span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">很</span>tough<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">。要挺住,要加油,要好好挺住。</span></span><br />
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約伯記23:8-12

<span style="font-size:16px;">「只是我往前行,他不在那裡;<br />
往後退,也不能見他。<br />
他在左邊行事,我卻不能看見;<br />
在右邊隱藏,我也不能見他。<br />
然而他知道我所行的路,<br />
他試煉我之後,我必如精金。<br />
我腳追隨他的步履,<br />
我謹守他的道,並不偏離。<br />
他嘴唇的命令我未曾背棄;<br />
我看中他口中的言語,過於我需用的飲食。」<br />
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~約伯記23:8-12</span>
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German - PASS!

<span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">週五下午才考完試,週一一早就收到教授來信,告訴我過了</span>~ <span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">教授手腳有夠快!</span><br />
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<span style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-size:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-position:initial;background-repeat:initial;">&ldquo;I also wanted to say that your exam showed a very commendable grasp of the language. I have marked a couple of places on your translation suggesting how the sense of the German might be rendered more smoothly into English, but again on the whole this is well done.</span>&rdquo;<br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">所以這不是低空飛過,也不是僥倖通過,而是紮紮實實地過了。這話還來自標準比較高的教授。太欣慰了我。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">過去一學期確實在自修中把德文文法掌握了。過去三週幾乎每天狂翻德文,一天</span>3-4<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">小時。一早一晚的</span>ritual<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">就是與德文為伍。</span>All those crazy hours of practicing German translation really paid off! <span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">這種日子也過去了。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">三個月前知道拉丁文考試通過,一點興奮感也沒有。但是知道通過德文考試,興奮到好幾個小時過去了,依舊興奮。也是極度感恩,極度寬慰。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">但是,我總是說,考完試以後,就是語言程度下滑的開始,也才是嚴峻考驗的開始。如果要</span>keep up the language<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">,就是倚靠恆心及紀律了。這是任何學者都需要面對的基本功夫。求主幫助。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">今天的結果,不啻是來自父神的鼓舞。天父,我要繼續倚靠祢。因為知道自己非常不行,但是上主祢太行!因為知道自己非常不能,但是上主凡事都能!</span></span><br />
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On Struggles

<span style="font-size:16px;">&nbsp;1) In what areas are you struggling with God?<br />
vocational/ intellectual<br />
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2) Where have you been afraid to give up control to Him?<br />
that a simple heart would not be simple anymore?<br />
that a meaningful speak of God would be lost in the midst of austere scholarship?<br />
that i am unable to meet all expectation?<br />
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3) Where have you doubted God&#39;s wisdom?<br />
that the Almighty God cannot hold the simple and the complicated together?&nbsp;<br />
that the Creator Lord be lost?!!<br />
that God the Father is unable to carry me through?<br />
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4) What do you need to admit about yourself?&nbsp;<br />
I am so small. God is so strong. I am the created being, and God is the Creator.&nbsp;<br />
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The purpose of struggle is for us to learn to rely on God and to stop relying on ourselves. The purpose is also to change our deep-seated characters (patience, trust, and courage).<br />
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用妳的生命服事。無論在哪哩,無論做何事,都可以是一種服事。<br />
The brokenness and tenderness bring people near the heart of the Father.<br />
每日與父神同在的時間,是軸心,是齒輪繼續轉動的能量來源。</span><br />
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德文之役

<span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">考德文前,不要看</span>Karl Barth<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">的文章</span> &ndash; <span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">本人的經驗,後人不汲取也參考參考吧。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">狂練三週德文翻譯下來,今天把試給考了。考前最後一篇練習文剛好是</span>Barth<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">,翻了以後信心減少,想說這陣練翻譯下來,明明有進步,怎麼在這時候倒退呢?其實只是因為</span>Barth<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">的語句結構比較複雜而已,尤其一堆</span> small words<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">更是擾人。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">今天考試翻譯的文章之難易度,算是中間偏簡單,至少有掌握七至八成</span> (<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">意思是翻了以後知道自己在翻什麼</span>)<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">。但因無法得知閱卷教授要求及標準,所以也無法得知翻得是否到</span>pass<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">的程度。開心的是一件事是,當中有一個</span>abbreviated word<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">出現了三回,但字典查不到。最後我憑著語感,給了它一個意思。沒想回家查以後,發現我的語感所得出的意思,完全正確。</span>Wow! <span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">自己都驚嘆。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">結果就交給神了。如果不過,那就三個月以後再考一次。如果過了,我感恩再感恩。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">德文真的是難。可以說是我學過的語言中,最困難的。我絕對不是唯一這麼說的,馬克吐溫也曾這麼說過:</span><br />
<span style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-size:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-position:initial;background-repeat:initial;">My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it.</span> (Mark Twain)<br />
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<span style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-size:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-position:initial;background-repeat:initial;"><span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">當然,這也有可能只是我們的偏見。不過,可以再聽聽</span></span><span style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-size:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-position:initial;background-repeat:initial;">Twain</span><span style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-size:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-position:initial;background-repeat:initial;"><span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">是怎說的:</span></span><br />
<span style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-size:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-position:initial;background-repeat:initial;">The Germans have an inhuman way of cutting up their verbs. Now a verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when it&#39;s all together. It&#39;s downright inhuman to split it up. But that&#39;s just what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it away over yonder like another stake, and between these two limits they just shovel in German.</span> (Mark Twain&#39;s Speeches, &quot;Disappearance of Literature&quot;)<br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">玩爾。不過比起我所學過的其他語言,德文真的很嚴重地把語言給「分屍」。所以對我言,翻譯德文最困難的地方是在於,把分散在各處的「肢體」,按其所應在之處,拼回去成一可看的「身體」。如果此比喻不太恰當,用「拼圖」亦可替代。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">無論如何,考完了。可以</span>German-free<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">一下了。</span></span><br />
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2014 End

<span style="font-size:16px;">&nbsp;2014 is coming to an end, so is the twenty ninth year of my life.<br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">人生愈走,大志愈少。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">新的一年,只求每一天的每一步,能夠倚靠主的力量,走得忠於上主的托付。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">主啊,懇求祢恩待並幫助,讓我在有時看似嚴峻無生命的學術界中,仍能保有對祢熾烈簡單的愛情。並且,這份愛情,延及祢所造之生靈。<br />
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父神,<br />
謝謝祢,洗淨我的罪。<br />
謝謝祢,醫治我傷悲。<br />
謝謝祢,擦乾我的眼淚。挪去後悔,釋放我的纏累。<br />
謝謝祢,用生命將我贖回,<br />
我是天父永遠最愛寶貝。<br />
(摘自 &nbsp;讚美之泉《謝謝祢》)</span></span><br />
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學期 中

<span style="font-family:lucida sans unicode,lucida grande,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">11月了。學期中了。冬天來了。秋天在哪裡?檢驗一下一個多月前寫下的本學期目標。<br />
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近程目標:</span><br />
<span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">1)&nbsp;</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">好好上課。&nbsp;Check</span><br />
<span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">2)&nbsp;</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">十月份考過學校拉丁文語言檢定,求主幫助。&nbsp;</span></span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-size: 16.3636360168457px; letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">Check,感謝主。</span><br />
<span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">3)&nbsp;</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">重拾廢棄了九個月的德文。&nbsp;</span></span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-size: 16.3636360168457px; letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">Check</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-size: 16.3636360168457px; letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">,感謝主。</span><br />
<span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">4)&nbsp;</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">將複習語言的紀律養成。&nbsp;</span></span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-size: 16.3636360168457px; letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">Check,大致還行</span><br />
<span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">5)&nbsp;</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">盼在現行每日</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">30</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">分鐘運動之外,增加運動量。 Pending...&nbsp;</span><br />
<span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">6)&nbsp;</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">繼續大量吃高營養素的蔬果。&nbsp;</span></span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-size: 16.3636360168457px; letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">Check</span><br />
<span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">7)&nbsp;</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">尋找、規劃出一個平衡的學術生活,包括如何休與閒。 還行</span><br style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16.3636360168457px; letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;" />
<br style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16.3636360168457px; letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;" />
<span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">中程目標:</span><br />
<span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">1)&nbsp;</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">希望未來半年內可以有機會去外地參加一次學術研討會。&nbsp;</span></span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); font-size: 16.3636360168457px; letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">Pending</span><br />
<span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">2)&nbsp;</span><span style="color: rgb(102, 102, 102); letter-spacing: 1px; line-height: 22.75px;">研究書商、出版事宜。 &nbsp;居然有機會有了一點點瞭解!若非出於神,還有誰?<br />
<br />
最近手頭上還有兩個大project,可放在近程目標裡。<br />
8) 今天把Zotero 下載了,接下來好好研究怎麼使用以後,要慢慢build up library。<br />
9) 整理出 formal Interview 相關事宜。<br />
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從這週起,每一天的日子,大概就是早上念語言 (主要是德文),下午看每週上課進度的書。晚上作本學期的研究。每天大概花8-10小時念書作學問,時間永遠不會太多,但也不致太緊張。<br />
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教授把本學期上課大綱稍微修改了以後,重新寄發。今天打開來看,看見教授列出了各個部分學生應該要花上的時間。加上上課時間,本學期學生應該投入之時數總和為391小時。一學期11週算下來,每週應約花35.5小時讀書。扣掉念德文2小時的時間,如果每一天我念6小時的書,一週六天下來,我會是花36小時在念書上,與教授的要求正相符合!這也告訴我,我沒有花過多或過少時間在念書上。真是一大安慰。所以我想,這樣的時間安排是合宜的。當然,因為我是外籍生,所以如果每一天再多花1-2小時念書,也是正常。<br />
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最近幾天,有在「肖想」近程目標:<br />
10) 明年一月考德文資格考。有可能嗎?看著辦吧。要念得有把握才能應考。要不就明年四月吧。<br />
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博士掙扎了一年下來,終於有上軌道的感覺,在課堂上也終於有feel belong的感覺。甚至,為著某一種使命 (異象) 而念書的感覺竟然也慢慢升起,這不就是我一直在等待、尋求的?我知道,只要有異象,再苦都沒關係了。就怕苦得沒異象,就怕苦得不知為何而苦。擁抱從神而來的異象,是需要時間的,是需要給神時間的。憑著信心走了一年的博之旅,現在好像終於看見了一點光。除了感恩,還是感恩。</span></span></span><br />
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又一里程碑

<span style="font-size:16px;"><span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">今天,父神,我敬拜祢。昔在、今在、永在的真神,我敬拜祢。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">今天,又是一個值得紀念的日子。一個里程碑。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">今天,我完成了</span>20<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">分鐘的</span>presentation<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">,帶領</span>40<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">分鐘的討論。</span><br />
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<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">要克服的是語言,但更大要克服的,是我不喜歡在多人面前說話的心理障礙。</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">這是第一次,在博班面對這麼大的工程及挑戰。但靠著神的力量,及人的禱告,我做到了。無論人的評價如何,我給自己打了</span>A- <span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">的成績。</span>I am so proud of myself.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">這週,已經進入到第五週了。可以說,博班的第一階段,我已經幾乎走了一半。第一階段要拿七門課,這學期是第四門。</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">下一次的</span>presentation<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">,是在一個月以後。接下來一個月,除了預備</span>presentation<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">,每週依舊有</span>reading<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">要完成。另外,同時需要開始著手期末的研究報告,外加德文。</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family:pmingliu,serif;">接下來,又要進入下一階段的閉關期。但不是為了學習,而是最近,上帝似乎一直在對我說話,最近,上帝似乎一直有話要對我說。聖靈,求祢幫助我聽得清楚,聽得仔細。主啊,我有給祢足夠的時間,讓祢對我說話嗎?</span></span><br />
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I spoke!

<span style="font-size:16px;">I spoke, I spoke!<br />
I spoke today in class!<br />
<br />
I am so tiny. I am so thankful.&nbsp;</span>
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